i want to, but the funny thing is, for all the mental weakness i have controlling this (even though i did commendably well from age 17 to about 23-24... that was when i think i had my first flip out and it was here lol) breakdown behavior.... im incredibly tough on when i believe something. like the hurtful shit i do, i floor it until i hit the wall and try to push through at all costs. i kind of think my brain does that to my ambitions. but if i take pills, its just masking the real me... what i really want is to find the moment where i lost the way; so maybe i can back-track and find the path. im not even sure if i can do that with conviction though, thats a huge problem for me now. when i try, there's not much heart put into getting out. the worst part is im starting to "ask" or "pray" to God... a God I don't even care for, leta lone believe in, to help me "get it." Oh well. Thanks man, I appreciate it. And I hope you can someday make all the changes you want to make to yourself, and are successful in your attempt.
im not trying to be a contrarian. i just think im starting to realize this failure of a life has been all my fault because reality was put on my early and i ran and hid. lol that sucks to admit.
I don't know. I think I should've been left in the woods. I know with my temper, personality, and outlook; I might've made a bad decision being in a suburb or urban area. Or maybe the exact opposite. I think I've had a downtrodden outlook for a while, and I can't fingerpoint it which is what bothers me the worst because maybe going backwards and identifying it would fix it.. or as if. who knows.
relationships generally serve to remind me there's a whole different world i'll never know anything about. the last time i had a real one was probably literally 2004. suffering is suffering, i hate myself for making it seem like mine is worse. the only thing i can say though is my earliest memories of life were empty, snow covered and windswept fields viewed with a frozen face through a small window out the front of my snow suit... dead animals, dried blood on that snow and the results of scavengers pulling their entrails out... especially that empty nothing outside the doors and windows, and the blood drying and clumping up in the deep snow. i don't think i was older than 5 or 6 the first time i was forced to see something die and realize thats how we eat; and you just see that it took life to sustain life and everything else is just this barren, cold, empty existence. idk, its funny that the only "celebrity" from that area of the world was GG Allin. i think it instills a certain great feeling of nothing, if you have to leave that world that is... i think everyone i grew up with is still in that small town; milking cows or scraping metal to get by and i guess thats life.
ive already hurt a lot of beautiful and gentle souls, because i think thats what i was meant to be, and i dont want to keep doing that. i dont think i have the ability to though while being here in this world, because every overwhelming wave of compassion and empathy is countered lately with a wave equally as powerful.. full of hate, and indignation, and unending dark and imposing sorrow. idk anymore.
My favorite Englishman died the other day. It was unfortunate and I was very close to him. You are now the man to take his place. It is an honor and its stupid because you exist on the internet to me. However, I am knowledgeable to your upstanding character beyond this message board. Lets dock.
I haven't seen the rest of their tour, but if they the NY Redbulls I might take the trip up. I really want to get into that stadium and I'm going to try to see as many of the Premier League clubs as I can.
figured you get a kick out of this. Everton is coming over to the US and playing the Philadelphia Union in a friendly. I will, however, not be in attendance because I'm a white trash piece of shit that will be rocking out to Slayer that night.
I'll let you know if I am coming out. There is a good chance that I will due to the convenience of Pulp playing the next night which is also in England. I did look at the lineup, and yes it's pretty good.